My First Love

As I am writing letters for scholarships, signing up for licensure tests, paying for my classes with my (gulp) life savings, it's all becoming real to me that I've made this decision to become a teacher and it's kind of freaking me out.

I remember how on fire I was to become a choir director when I graduated high school. I was involved in every choir imaginable and probably dreamt in eight part harmonies. I had so much vision, confidence, and passion. When I went to All-State Choir camp for a week, I sat wide-eyed, mouth gaping in rehearsals with Dr. Copley, just admiring her enthusiasm and wit as she directed us. I thought, That's going to be me someday! I want to be just like her!

I still have that fire, but I've realized it's taking some work to peel off the layers of insecurity that have built up over time to be able to stand firm in this decision I've made to return to school to get my teaching license.

Before I arrived at college, I wish someone would have warned me to make a conscious decision regarding whose academic lifestyle I will emulate. I will say even though I had many enjoyable moments loitering in the student union with buddies, my grades suffered, and that, I believe eventually led me to think I just wasn't cut out to be a choir teacher.

When classes got more difficult and demanding, I think I took one look and decided I couldn't do it. It was "too hard." Why should I do something if it's this hard for me? It must not be the right decision. I'm probably not meant to do it anyway because I'm already showing signs that I'm not capable. 

So I switched my major to performance and dropped the education.

I wonder, if I had emulated the lifestyles of the music ed majors who displayed self-control, independence, and consistency in their classwork, preparation, and dedication, would I have stuck with it? Would I be teaching by now?

I realize it's not always healthy to be asking "what if?" in regards to one's past, but the conclusion I have come to is this: I allowed the influence of others and my own negative thinking to drag me away from my "first love." That girl who was so excited to become a choir teacher got dragged away and replaced with someone whose most-used word is "can't."

Don't get me wrong, I am quite thankful for all of the experiences I've had since I've been out of college because I've really grown in confidence and have become a much more self-assured person from all of the crazy jobs and roles I've had over the years.


Originally when I had begun writing this post I was thinking of Revelation 2:4 when Jesus says, "You have forsaken the love you had at first," and how it describes my diminished passion. But then I also remembered the verse in Matthew 13:22 where it mentions a seed (the Word of God) that was sown among thorns. It was not able to thrive because it was choked by "the cares of the world." I think that's me.

At 27 years old, I don't want to continue the cycle of "I can't" thoughts spinning in my head, paralyzing me from doing the wonderful things I was made to do. It's not going to be easy, but to finish well in this endeavor, I must continually transform my thinking from "I can't do this" to "I CAN DO THIS." I must remember my first love.

Sharing isn't caring

Whenever I post something on the internet, my intentions are that even if one person is encouraged by it--either by laughter, provoking thought, or simply being comforted--it's worth the post. But is it?I find myself posting all kinds of things mindlessly--videos, memes, quotes--all because it takes less than a minute to either send to someone or post to a wall; I end up doing this without serious thought. It's probably due to my short attention span and my knack for impulsive decision-making. In fact, when Facebook used to limit the number of characters in a status, I was relieved. I was scolded into being concise and discreet. I had to plan better if I was going to say something to the world.

Now, the possibilities are endless. There are no rules. Everyone is posting everything, all of the time. And that includes me. If we truly dissect what social media is on the individual level, it's really just a soapbox. It's the fabricated illusion of credibility--that what I say matters and can truly have an impact. Well that may be true, but what does that reveal about us? How many times a day are we posting to this digital realm--projecting our ideas, beliefs, sense of humor, and spirit out--and neglecting how we act upon them in the real world? Do they match up?

I write this to bring myself attention to the fact that "you are what you post." 

Or, are we?

The internet gives us the tools we need to become completely perfect specimens (digitally speaking). Our quotes, memes, articles, and photos are the chisel and our personalized webpages are the block of marble. We get to be God. We get to create ourselves in the image we want to portray.My question is, how does our cyber image match up to our real image?

Bible verse after Bible verse, sometimes I embarrassingly do not spend more than two minutes reflecting on the glory and weight of what I am posting. These are words coming from the mouth of the all-powerful, all-consuming, relentless Creator of the heavens, my Savior, my closest friend. 

Laura, I ask myself, did you apply this to your life before you posted it? 

Today I posted a verse from Galatians 6:8:

"Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." 

The risk I take when I post this is that someone might think I'm preaching without taking this thought into consideration myself. I mean, that's what Christians are known for, right? Hypocrisy. Well, you got me. 

Sometimes when I look back at past journals of mine I can see the hand of God moving in my heart, changing how I think and feel, and I think, wow, I should really listen to myself. There's some good stuff in here! Oh if I only felt that way if I were to scroll through my Facebook history!

What the digital world doesn't know is that I am actually posting this to help myself. I am here to tell you that it's true--I have been sowing to please my flesh a lot lately. (But I'm not going to spill my guts out to the rest of the world through a Facebook status. I'll save my blog for that.)

Lately I've been staying up unnecessarily, sometimes as late as 11:30 or midnight, scrolling through websites and comparing my life with others' (their digital lives, mind you). I obsess over how much food I eat and how little exercise I'm getting when I look at pictures of friends of mine who actually take time out of their day to contribute to their glowing tight thighs. I've been spending too much money on myself when I either should have been saving or giving it away. The list goes on forever. The bottom line is, lately I have been careless, thoughtless, and frivolous; I have been sowing to please my flesh. And I want to change that.

So here's my soapbox moment: if I'm going to post something, it's going to be because I have first reflected on it and have committed to make a change in my physical life to make it true for myself in my digital life. I do not want to live a double-life. I know I need to take a long, hard look at what I portray and compare what's actually going on in my heart, my actions, and what comes out of my mouth. It may be a harsh reality. But to truly care for myself and others, I have to reflect on my own heart before posting.

Remember, sometimes sharing isn't caring.

"Maybe"

What is it with this generation and not being able to just commit to something?

I know I have contracted this awful virus.

Afraid that there's always the possibility of a better option, we hold off to make any sort of decision, whether large or small. "I'm not going to say that I'll go to ______'s gathering on Tuesday night just yet because there might be something else that comes up. What if that turns out to be way better?"

We've become so obsessed with finding the utmost fulfillment for ourselves that we disregard important things like dependability, commitment, and sincerity and uprightness of heart.

We have elevated ourselves to such great heights that we believe that satisfying our desires is supreme; that we are entitled to lay aside anything that gets in the way of our enjoyment and comfort.

What then, will our relationships look like if we continue in this attitude of self-servitude?

Please, let's not be known as the "maybe" generation. Let's be the generation who puts ourselves last and others first. A generation who means "yes" when we say "yes" and "no" when we say "no." A generation that doesn't talk of ideas, but a generation who acts.

Poured out

This week I was grabbed by this thought: when I give my time and resources to others, am I only giving when it is out of abundance, when I have a "surplus"?

Meeting the needs of others should never be dependent on whether or not I decide if I want to give at that moment. I am called to be generous. I am called to be poured out as a living sacrifice because that's exactly what Christ did for me.

The Father lavishly gave me freedom and life through the death and resurrection of his Son. I did not earn life, and yet He gave me life. Why would I withhold anything for myself, knowing that I have received such a precious gift? Does a person need to first "earn" my time with them? Does giving need a valid argument or supporting facts? By no means!


I am called to be poured out because it was He who was first poured out. When my bank account is dwindling and my eyes are strained, my head aching, and mind numb, that is when the Lord still calls me to give. Give when I have nothing left, because that is exactly what I have: nothing.

When I can admit this, that I have absolutely nothing to offer, that is when He is able to do His work and incredible things happen. But only when I am fully and completely dependent on Him. And guess what? He fills me completely with whatever it is I am lacking and the results are always miraculous.


"A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which amount to a cent. Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.” Mark 12:42-44

I don't want to miss any more opportunities where God could use what little I have. I don't want to withhold simply because I do not "feel" like giving. People cannot wait for my leftovers; people cannot wait for my selfish heart to turn towards them.

 Here's to being poured out, no matter how I'm feeling.

Cheers

Give me a beat

There's that famous phrase one can use when describing an oddball, quirky person: "She marches to the beat of her own drum," or "she waltzes to her own tune."

Lately I've been trying to figure out how I become motivated. If I am unmotivated, what is the catalyst that ignites me?

After doing some soul searching, I've come to realize that yes, I am a motivated person, but usually with the help of another person, by encouragement and suggestion.

If I march to the beat of my own drum, I think I just need someone to click me off. If I waltz to my own tune, I need someone to hum something first.

Tender

Tender. It's what happens when you let something become beaten with a blunt instrument several times until hard matter turns into moldable, flexible, softer matter. Beaten, as in, there cannot be just one large blow, rather it is the building up of many, many blows over time. That's what I feel like must happen with my heart in order for it to remain tender towards the Lord and his purposes for me.

The thought of clay came to me as I was reflecting on the word, "tender." If I am a lump of clay in the potter's hand, then what happens if I don't allow the potter to shape me? What if I decide to stay on the shelf? I become hard, dried out, without form or purpose. I must allow myself to remain in the potter's expert hands, willing to be pushed, squeezed, smoothed out, and thrown around to achieve what he wants of me. A cup, a bowl, a vase--whatever it may be, if I don't allow his hands to shape me, if I continue to remain a hard lump of clay, I will never achieve the best uses the potter may have for me.

The image of wax also came into my mind. Wax is completely hard when it is cooled. Wax needs a heat source in order to melt and be pliable. I forget that Christ is my heat source, always. He is like a pilot light in my heart. He is always there, but until I make the decision to add fuel to the flame, the light will remain the same; my heart will stay the same.

I want my heart to be pliable like wax. I want to be molded and shaped for His purposes, not mine.

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

Faithful in Little

"One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much" Luke 16:10

As I have been waking up every morning, feeling guilty that my fellow house members have to wake up extremely early and venture out to their jobs in this cold, I start to feel that I am not being nearly as productive as they are since I still do not have a job.

But as I started to wipe off the mess off the counter from last night's dinner and fill the sink with soapy, hot water, I realized something.

The tasks I find myself doing a lot these days that seem "little" or "insignificant" to me are in fact, quite the opposite. When I hear the voice in my head saying, "Yeah, I should really do that. I know I hate it, but it needs to be done. It will take just a couple of minutes" I know that I should obey it because it is in all things that we are called to represent Christ. He told us:

"If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you." John 13:14-15

Many times my mind wanders off thinking about things that I believe God would like to see me doing, like using my musical skills more, serving the poor and hungry, going off to distant countries on missions, and having a decent job so that I can be more financially beneficial to the church. These are great aspirations, but I can't earn God's favor by doing any of these things; they are not what he is looking for. He is looking for minute-by-minute devotion to serving him lovingly and faithfully. This scripture comforts me when I'm feeling like what I'm doing isn't important:

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17