My First Love

As I am writing letters for scholarships, signing up for licensure tests, paying for my classes with my (gulp) life savings, it's all becoming real to me that I've made this decision to become a teacher and it's kind of freaking me out.

I remember how on fire I was to become a choir director when I graduated high school. I was involved in every choir imaginable and probably dreamt in eight part harmonies. I had so much vision, confidence, and passion. When I went to All-State Choir camp for a week, I sat wide-eyed, mouth gaping in rehearsals with Dr. Copley, just admiring her enthusiasm and wit as she directed us. I thought, That's going to be me someday! I want to be just like her!

I still have that fire, but I've realized it's taking some work to peel off the layers of insecurity that have built up over time to be able to stand firm in this decision I've made to return to school to get my teaching license.

Before I arrived at college, I wish someone would have warned me to make a conscious decision regarding whose academic lifestyle I will emulate. I will say even though I had many enjoyable moments loitering in the student union with buddies, my grades suffered, and that, I believe eventually led me to think I just wasn't cut out to be a choir teacher.

When classes got more difficult and demanding, I think I took one look and decided I couldn't do it. It was "too hard." Why should I do something if it's this hard for me? It must not be the right decision. I'm probably not meant to do it anyway because I'm already showing signs that I'm not capable. 

So I switched my major to performance and dropped the education.

I wonder, if I had emulated the lifestyles of the music ed majors who displayed self-control, independence, and consistency in their classwork, preparation, and dedication, would I have stuck with it? Would I be teaching by now?

I realize it's not always healthy to be asking "what if?" in regards to one's past, but the conclusion I have come to is this: I allowed the influence of others and my own negative thinking to drag me away from my "first love." That girl who was so excited to become a choir teacher got dragged away and replaced with someone whose most-used word is "can't."

Don't get me wrong, I am quite thankful for all of the experiences I've had since I've been out of college because I've really grown in confidence and have become a much more self-assured person from all of the crazy jobs and roles I've had over the years.


Originally when I had begun writing this post I was thinking of Revelation 2:4 when Jesus says, "You have forsaken the love you had at first," and how it describes my diminished passion. But then I also remembered the verse in Matthew 13:22 where it mentions a seed (the Word of God) that was sown among thorns. It was not able to thrive because it was choked by "the cares of the world." I think that's me.

At 27 years old, I don't want to continue the cycle of "I can't" thoughts spinning in my head, paralyzing me from doing the wonderful things I was made to do. It's not going to be easy, but to finish well in this endeavor, I must continually transform my thinking from "I can't do this" to "I CAN DO THIS." I must remember my first love.