"Maybe"

What is it with this generation and not being able to just commit to something?

I know I have contracted this awful virus.

Afraid that there's always the possibility of a better option, we hold off to make any sort of decision, whether large or small. "I'm not going to say that I'll go to ______'s gathering on Tuesday night just yet because there might be something else that comes up. What if that turns out to be way better?"

We've become so obsessed with finding the utmost fulfillment for ourselves that we disregard important things like dependability, commitment, and sincerity and uprightness of heart.

We have elevated ourselves to such great heights that we believe that satisfying our desires is supreme; that we are entitled to lay aside anything that gets in the way of our enjoyment and comfort.

What then, will our relationships look like if we continue in this attitude of self-servitude?

Please, let's not be known as the "maybe" generation. Let's be the generation who puts ourselves last and others first. A generation who means "yes" when we say "yes" and "no" when we say "no." A generation that doesn't talk of ideas, but a generation who acts.

Poured out

This week I was grabbed by this thought: when I give my time and resources to others, am I only giving when it is out of abundance, when I have a "surplus"?

Meeting the needs of others should never be dependent on whether or not I decide if I want to give at that moment. I am called to be generous. I am called to be poured out as a living sacrifice because that's exactly what Christ did for me.

The Father lavishly gave me freedom and life through the death and resurrection of his Son. I did not earn life, and yet He gave me life. Why would I withhold anything for myself, knowing that I have received such a precious gift? Does a person need to first "earn" my time with them? Does giving need a valid argument or supporting facts? By no means!


I am called to be poured out because it was He who was first poured out. When my bank account is dwindling and my eyes are strained, my head aching, and mind numb, that is when the Lord still calls me to give. Give when I have nothing left, because that is exactly what I have: nothing.

When I can admit this, that I have absolutely nothing to offer, that is when He is able to do His work and incredible things happen. But only when I am fully and completely dependent on Him. And guess what? He fills me completely with whatever it is I am lacking and the results are always miraculous.


"A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which amount to a cent. Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.” Mark 12:42-44

I don't want to miss any more opportunities where God could use what little I have. I don't want to withhold simply because I do not "feel" like giving. People cannot wait for my leftovers; people cannot wait for my selfish heart to turn towards them.

 Here's to being poured out, no matter how I'm feeling.

Cheers

Give me a beat

There's that famous phrase one can use when describing an oddball, quirky person: "She marches to the beat of her own drum," or "she waltzes to her own tune."

Lately I've been trying to figure out how I become motivated. If I am unmotivated, what is the catalyst that ignites me?

After doing some soul searching, I've come to realize that yes, I am a motivated person, but usually with the help of another person, by encouragement and suggestion.

If I march to the beat of my own drum, I think I just need someone to click me off. If I waltz to my own tune, I need someone to hum something first.

Tender

Tender. It's what happens when you let something become beaten with a blunt instrument several times until hard matter turns into moldable, flexible, softer matter. Beaten, as in, there cannot be just one large blow, rather it is the building up of many, many blows over time. That's what I feel like must happen with my heart in order for it to remain tender towards the Lord and his purposes for me.

The thought of clay came to me as I was reflecting on the word, "tender." If I am a lump of clay in the potter's hand, then what happens if I don't allow the potter to shape me? What if I decide to stay on the shelf? I become hard, dried out, without form or purpose. I must allow myself to remain in the potter's expert hands, willing to be pushed, squeezed, smoothed out, and thrown around to achieve what he wants of me. A cup, a bowl, a vase--whatever it may be, if I don't allow his hands to shape me, if I continue to remain a hard lump of clay, I will never achieve the best uses the potter may have for me.

The image of wax also came into my mind. Wax is completely hard when it is cooled. Wax needs a heat source in order to melt and be pliable. I forget that Christ is my heat source, always. He is like a pilot light in my heart. He is always there, but until I make the decision to add fuel to the flame, the light will remain the same; my heart will stay the same.

I want my heart to be pliable like wax. I want to be molded and shaped for His purposes, not mine.

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

Faithful in Little

"One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much" Luke 16:10

As I have been waking up every morning, feeling guilty that my fellow house members have to wake up extremely early and venture out to their jobs in this cold, I start to feel that I am not being nearly as productive as they are since I still do not have a job.

But as I started to wipe off the mess off the counter from last night's dinner and fill the sink with soapy, hot water, I realized something.

The tasks I find myself doing a lot these days that seem "little" or "insignificant" to me are in fact, quite the opposite. When I hear the voice in my head saying, "Yeah, I should really do that. I know I hate it, but it needs to be done. It will take just a couple of minutes" I know that I should obey it because it is in all things that we are called to represent Christ. He told us:

"If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you." John 13:14-15

Many times my mind wanders off thinking about things that I believe God would like to see me doing, like using my musical skills more, serving the poor and hungry, going off to distant countries on missions, and having a decent job so that I can be more financially beneficial to the church. These are great aspirations, but I can't earn God's favor by doing any of these things; they are not what he is looking for. He is looking for minute-by-minute devotion to serving him lovingly and faithfully. This scripture comforts me when I'm feeling like what I'm doing isn't important:

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17

A funny little poem

As I have become inspired lately in all things creative, I have begun to tap into my love for reading and writing poetry. I wrote this little guy today:


Flip Phone

I left the flip phone open
to the possibility
that someone
might call
I left it unhinged
like a door
open, not closed
an invitation
for whomever cares
to talk
If I leave it open
it looks like a reaching palm
outstretched and needy
welcoming any small amount
just a little will do
I am away for just a minute and

no missed calls.

Novice gardener: waiting for my life to sprout

Lately I keep yo-yo-ing between feeling proud of who I am and then feeling disappointed in myself.

I have been a barista since I graduated college. I am starting to wonder, just like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail": do I do it because I love it, or because I haven't been brave?

I know what I am worth, yet my parents say that I settle for a lot less.

It scares me that in one year I will have to go out in search of my own insurance plan. What scares me more than that is that I may need to find a job where I sit all day, chained to a desk and telephone, in order to obtain a good insurance plan.

So what do I do?

Recently I have taken a cake decorating class and I plan to take more. I would like to start sewing. I would love to own my own coffee shop. I may even want to become a teacher. It's just a matter of igniting the motivation and making the decision to stop thinking and start doing.

I know that I have so many talents that are waiting to be unleashed, like a seed beneath soil that no one sees until the right ingredients bring it to sprout. It is in the continual watering of the soil with hopeful expectation that something will sprout where I feel the most stuck. I am like a novice gardener: I become so discouraged when something I've tried has shriveled up, or I keep watering and nothing ever sprouts; I feel like a failure.

Sometimes I even feel lazy, like I am just expecting that things will fall out of the sky for me. I wonder if deep down I'm really just a brat from upper-middle-class suburbia who's never had to work for anything. It sounds silly, but I find that since I've graduated college, I haven't had to work hard for a lot of things.

Have I stayed in the coffee and restaurant world simply because I am afraid of putting forth the work of finding something different? Am I just staying in these types of jobs because I haven't taken the time to research what I may be able to do instead?

I may be suffering from a mild form of Peter Pan disorder because there is, admittedly, a part of me that doesn't want to buckle down and sacrifice in order to invest for my future. That childish part of me expects that I'll "get there eventually," as if it were to fall from the sky or I will "one day" find the motivation to change my circumstances.

But I also want to know where this desire to "find a better job" is coming from. It is true that I am not going to make a career out of being a barista. I would love to be able to do so many different things in life to earn a living. The problem I am facing is to choose something that will at least pay the bills and fulfill my basic needs so that I am able to do all of the things that I want to do, like learning how to decorate cakes and how to sew.

But is this desire simply based on insecurities? Am I just trying to appease my parents? Am I looking to be taken more seriously? Do I even want to be taken seriously?

The real question is, what do I want? I'm not sure I can answer that question confidently, but I do know that I want to "do the thing that makes [me] like no one else," a quote taken from the movie, "P.S. I Love You." In that movie, the character, Holly, has just turned thirty and is unhappy in her career. Her husband urges her to remember the person she was when he first met her: filled with ambition, exploring creative possibilities, and using William Blake's quote "My business is to create" as her life philosophy.

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." -William Blake


I don't want be somebody I am not simply because I am trying to conform to a standard that may in some ways, make my life "easier," like finding a higher-paying job with benefits. But I know that at some point, I do have to face the realities of living expenses. But I do know that whatever I end up doing, I have never been one to conform and I'm not going to start now.