There's that famous phrase one can use when describing an oddball, quirky person: "She marches to the beat of her own drum," or "she waltzes to her own tune."
Lately I've been trying to figure out how I become motivated. If I am unmotivated, what is the catalyst that ignites me?
After doing some soul searching, I've come to realize that yes, I am a motivated person, but usually with the help of another person, by encouragement and suggestion.
If I march to the beat of my own drum, I think I just need someone to click me off. If I waltz to my own tune, I need someone to hum something first.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Tender
Tender. It's what happens when you let something become beaten with a blunt instrument several times until hard matter turns into moldable, flexible, softer matter. Beaten, as in, there cannot be just one large blow, rather it is the building up of many, many blows over time. That's what I feel like must happen with my heart in order for it to remain tender towards the Lord and his purposes for me.
The thought of clay came to me as I was reflecting on the word, "tender." If I am a lump of clay in the potter's hand, then what happens if I don't allow the potter to shape me? What if I decide to stay on the shelf? I become hard, dried out, without form or purpose. I must allow myself to remain in the potter's expert hands, willing to be pushed, squeezed, smoothed out, and thrown around to achieve what he wants of me. A cup, a bowl, a vase--whatever it may be, if I don't allow his hands to shape me, if I continue to remain a hard lump of clay, I will never achieve the best uses the potter may have for me.
The image of wax also came into my mind. Wax is completely hard when it is cooled. Wax needs a heat source in order to melt and be pliable. I forget that Christ is my heat source, always. He is like a pilot light in my heart. He is always there, but until I make the decision to add fuel to the flame, the light will remain the same; my heart will stay the same.
I want my heart to be pliable like wax. I want to be molded and shaped for His purposes, not mine.
"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
The thought of clay came to me as I was reflecting on the word, "tender." If I am a lump of clay in the potter's hand, then what happens if I don't allow the potter to shape me? What if I decide to stay on the shelf? I become hard, dried out, without form or purpose. I must allow myself to remain in the potter's expert hands, willing to be pushed, squeezed, smoothed out, and thrown around to achieve what he wants of me. A cup, a bowl, a vase--whatever it may be, if I don't allow his hands to shape me, if I continue to remain a hard lump of clay, I will never achieve the best uses the potter may have for me.
The image of wax also came into my mind. Wax is completely hard when it is cooled. Wax needs a heat source in order to melt and be pliable. I forget that Christ is my heat source, always. He is like a pilot light in my heart. He is always there, but until I make the decision to add fuel to the flame, the light will remain the same; my heart will stay the same.
I want my heart to be pliable like wax. I want to be molded and shaped for His purposes, not mine.
"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26
Faithful in Little
"One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much" Luke 16:10
As I have been waking up every morning, feeling guilty that my fellow house members have to wake up extremely early and venture out to their jobs in this cold, I start to feel that I am not being nearly as productive as they are since I still do not have a job.
But as I started to wipe off the mess off the counter from last night's dinner and fill the sink with soapy, hot water, I realized something.
The tasks I find myself doing a lot these days that seem "little" or "insignificant" to me are in fact, quite the opposite. When I hear the voice in my head saying, "Yeah, I should really do that. I know I hate it, but it needs to be done. It will take just a couple of minutes" I know that I should obey it because it is in all things that we are called to represent Christ. He told us:
"If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you." John 13:14-15
Many times my mind wanders off thinking about things that I believe God would like to see me doing, like using my musical skills more, serving the poor and hungry, going off to distant countries on missions, and having a decent job so that I can be more financially beneficial to the church. These are great aspirations, but I can't earn God's favor by doing any of these things; they are not what he is looking for. He is looking for minute-by-minute devotion to serving him lovingly and faithfully. This scripture comforts me when I'm feeling like what I'm doing isn't important:
"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17
As I have been waking up every morning, feeling guilty that my fellow house members have to wake up extremely early and venture out to their jobs in this cold, I start to feel that I am not being nearly as productive as they are since I still do not have a job.
But as I started to wipe off the mess off the counter from last night's dinner and fill the sink with soapy, hot water, I realized something.
The tasks I find myself doing a lot these days that seem "little" or "insignificant" to me are in fact, quite the opposite. When I hear the voice in my head saying, "Yeah, I should really do that. I know I hate it, but it needs to be done. It will take just a couple of minutes" I know that I should obey it because it is in all things that we are called to represent Christ. He told us:
"If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you." John 13:14-15
Many times my mind wanders off thinking about things that I believe God would like to see me doing, like using my musical skills more, serving the poor and hungry, going off to distant countries on missions, and having a decent job so that I can be more financially beneficial to the church. These are great aspirations, but I can't earn God's favor by doing any of these things; they are not what he is looking for. He is looking for minute-by-minute devotion to serving him lovingly and faithfully. This scripture comforts me when I'm feeling like what I'm doing isn't important:
"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
A funny little poem
As I have become inspired lately in all things creative, I have begun to tap into my love for reading and writing poetry. I wrote this little guy today:
Flip Phone
I left the flip phone open
to the possibility
that someone
might call
I left it unhinged
like a door
open, not closed
an invitation
for whomever cares
to talk
If I leave it open
it looks like a reaching palm
outstretched and needy
welcoming any small amount
just a little will do
I am away for just a minute and
no missed calls.
Flip Phone
I left the flip phone open
to the possibility
that someone
might call
I left it unhinged
like a door
open, not closed
an invitation
for whomever cares
to talk
If I leave it open
it looks like a reaching palm
outstretched and needy
welcoming any small amount
just a little will do
I am away for just a minute and
no missed calls.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Novice gardener: waiting for my life to sprout
Lately I keep yo-yo-ing between feeling proud of who I am and then feeling disappointed in myself.
I have been a barista since I graduated college. I am starting to wonder, just like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail": do I do it because I love it, or because I haven't been brave?
I know what I am worth, yet my parents say that I settle for a lot less.
It scares me that in one year I will have to go out in search of my own insurance plan. What scares me more than that is that I may need to find a job where I sit all day, chained to a desk and telephone, in order to obtain a good insurance plan.
So what do I do?
Recently I have taken a cake decorating class and I plan to take more. I would like to start sewing. I would love to own my own coffee shop. I may even want to become a teacher. It's just a matter of igniting the motivation and making the decision to stop thinking and start doing.
I know that I have so many talents that are waiting to be unleashed, like a seed beneath soil that no one sees until the right ingredients bring it to sprout. It is in the continual watering of the soil with hopeful expectation that something will sprout where I feel the most stuck. I am like a novice gardener: I become so discouraged when something I've tried has shriveled up, or I keep watering and nothing ever sprouts; I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I even feel lazy, like I am just expecting that things will fall out of the sky for me. I wonder if deep down I'm really just a brat from upper-middle-class suburbia who's never had to work for anything. It sounds silly, but I find that since I've graduated college, I haven't had to work hard for a lot of things.
Have I stayed in the coffee and restaurant world simply because I am afraid of putting forth the work of finding something different? Am I just staying in these types of jobs because I haven't taken the time to research what I may be able to do instead?
I may be suffering from a mild form of Peter Pan disorder because there is, admittedly, a part of me that doesn't want to buckle down and sacrifice in order to invest for my future. That childish part of me expects that I'll "get there eventually," as if it were to fall from the sky or I will "one day" find the motivation to change my circumstances.
But I also want to know where this desire to "find a better job" is coming from. It is true that I am not going to make a career out of being a barista. I would love to be able to do so many different things in life to earn a living. The problem I am facing is to choose something that will at least pay the bills and fulfill my basic needs so that I am able to do all of the things that I want to do, like learning how to decorate cakes and how to sew.
But is this desire simply based on insecurities? Am I just trying to appease my parents? Am I looking to be taken more seriously? Do I even want to be taken seriously?
The real question is, what do I want? I'm not sure I can answer that question confidently, but I do know that I want to "do the thing that makes [me] like no one else," a quote taken from the movie, "P.S. I Love You." In that movie, the character, Holly, has just turned thirty and is unhappy in her career. Her husband urges her to remember the person she was when he first met her: filled with ambition, exploring creative possibilities, and using William Blake's quote "My business is to create" as her life philosophy.
"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." -William Blake
I don't want be somebody I am not simply because I am trying to conform to a standard that may in some ways, make my life "easier," like finding a higher-paying job with benefits. But I know that at some point, I do have to face the realities of living expenses. But I do know that whatever I end up doing, I have never been one to conform and I'm not going to start now.
I have been a barista since I graduated college. I am starting to wonder, just like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail": do I do it because I love it, or because I haven't been brave?
I know what I am worth, yet my parents say that I settle for a lot less.
It scares me that in one year I will have to go out in search of my own insurance plan. What scares me more than that is that I may need to find a job where I sit all day, chained to a desk and telephone, in order to obtain a good insurance plan.
So what do I do?
Recently I have taken a cake decorating class and I plan to take more. I would like to start sewing. I would love to own my own coffee shop. I may even want to become a teacher. It's just a matter of igniting the motivation and making the decision to stop thinking and start doing.
I know that I have so many talents that are waiting to be unleashed, like a seed beneath soil that no one sees until the right ingredients bring it to sprout. It is in the continual watering of the soil with hopeful expectation that something will sprout where I feel the most stuck. I am like a novice gardener: I become so discouraged when something I've tried has shriveled up, or I keep watering and nothing ever sprouts; I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I even feel lazy, like I am just expecting that things will fall out of the sky for me. I wonder if deep down I'm really just a brat from upper-middle-class suburbia who's never had to work for anything. It sounds silly, but I find that since I've graduated college, I haven't had to work hard for a lot of things.
Have I stayed in the coffee and restaurant world simply because I am afraid of putting forth the work of finding something different? Am I just staying in these types of jobs because I haven't taken the time to research what I may be able to do instead?
I may be suffering from a mild form of Peter Pan disorder because there is, admittedly, a part of me that doesn't want to buckle down and sacrifice in order to invest for my future. That childish part of me expects that I'll "get there eventually," as if it were to fall from the sky or I will "one day" find the motivation to change my circumstances.
But I also want to know where this desire to "find a better job" is coming from. It is true that I am not going to make a career out of being a barista. I would love to be able to do so many different things in life to earn a living. The problem I am facing is to choose something that will at least pay the bills and fulfill my basic needs so that I am able to do all of the things that I want to do, like learning how to decorate cakes and how to sew.
But is this desire simply based on insecurities? Am I just trying to appease my parents? Am I looking to be taken more seriously? Do I even want to be taken seriously?
The real question is, what do I want? I'm not sure I can answer that question confidently, but I do know that I want to "do the thing that makes [me] like no one else," a quote taken from the movie, "P.S. I Love You." In that movie, the character, Holly, has just turned thirty and is unhappy in her career. Her husband urges her to remember the person she was when he first met her: filled with ambition, exploring creative possibilities, and using William Blake's quote "My business is to create" as her life philosophy.
"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." -William Blake
I don't want be somebody I am not simply because I am trying to conform to a standard that may in some ways, make my life "easier," like finding a higher-paying job with benefits. But I know that at some point, I do have to face the realities of living expenses. But I do know that whatever I end up doing, I have never been one to conform and I'm not going to start now.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Grey
Grey seems to be the theme of my little life these days.
The weather is unusually cold for this time of year and the sky is always grey. My emotions recently have also been grey. I don't feel angry, like the color red, I don't feel happy like the color yellow. I hardly feel anything. I feel grey.
Events in my life have not been exciting or joyful, but no events have been terrible or traumatizing either. Events, or, lack thereof, have been just grey.
Grey is the color that is stuck in the middle between two colors that are clearly confident in who they are. No identity crises there. Grey chooses to stay in the middle rather than take a stand. It is complacent. It is unmotivated. It is content. It is stagnant. Grey is an undecided color.
That's what I feel is going on in my life right now.
The weather is unusually cold for this time of year and the sky is always grey. My emotions recently have also been grey. I don't feel angry, like the color red, I don't feel happy like the color yellow. I hardly feel anything. I feel grey.
Events in my life have not been exciting or joyful, but no events have been terrible or traumatizing either. Events, or, lack thereof, have been just grey.
Grey is the color that is stuck in the middle between two colors that are clearly confident in who they are. No identity crises there. Grey chooses to stay in the middle rather than take a stand. It is complacent. It is unmotivated. It is content. It is stagnant. Grey is an undecided color.
That's what I feel is going on in my life right now.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
My "Calling"
I read something the other day that stirred me. I read an article that focused on finding one's "calling" and it said that especially among twenty-somethings while on their noble quest end up never staying at a job for more than a year. Well, it sure seems like the article was talking about me.
What I liked about the article was how it persuaded me not to think of my calling as something that I will one day achieve or finally discover, as if it were buried treasure. There is no right answer to this question. My calling is how I choose to live out my life in my relationships, my job, my thoughts, my attitude, and my hobbies. All of the things that make up my life are in fact, all a part of my calling. Every day I am presented with different people, opportunities, situations, triumphs, and failures and my calling is to face each one of those things walking as an obedient child of God.
Food for thought.
What I liked about the article was how it persuaded me not to think of my calling as something that I will one day achieve or finally discover, as if it were buried treasure. There is no right answer to this question. My calling is how I choose to live out my life in my relationships, my job, my thoughts, my attitude, and my hobbies. All of the things that make up my life are in fact, all a part of my calling. Every day I am presented with different people, opportunities, situations, triumphs, and failures and my calling is to face each one of those things walking as an obedient child of God.
Food for thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)