As I have become inspired lately in all things creative, I have begun to tap into my love for reading and writing poetry. I wrote this little guy today:
Flip Phone
I left the flip phone open
to the possibility
that someone
might call
I left it unhinged
like a door
open, not closed
an invitation
for whomever cares
to talk
If I leave it open
it looks like a reaching palm
outstretched and needy
welcoming any small amount
just a little will do
I am away for just a minute and
no missed calls.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Novice gardener: waiting for my life to sprout
Lately I keep yo-yo-ing between feeling proud of who I am and then feeling disappointed in myself.
I have been a barista since I graduated college. I am starting to wonder, just like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail": do I do it because I love it, or because I haven't been brave?
I know what I am worth, yet my parents say that I settle for a lot less.
It scares me that in one year I will have to go out in search of my own insurance plan. What scares me more than that is that I may need to find a job where I sit all day, chained to a desk and telephone, in order to obtain a good insurance plan.
So what do I do?
Recently I have taken a cake decorating class and I plan to take more. I would like to start sewing. I would love to own my own coffee shop. I may even want to become a teacher. It's just a matter of igniting the motivation and making the decision to stop thinking and start doing.
I know that I have so many talents that are waiting to be unleashed, like a seed beneath soil that no one sees until the right ingredients bring it to sprout. It is in the continual watering of the soil with hopeful expectation that something will sprout where I feel the most stuck. I am like a novice gardener: I become so discouraged when something I've tried has shriveled up, or I keep watering and nothing ever sprouts; I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I even feel lazy, like I am just expecting that things will fall out of the sky for me. I wonder if deep down I'm really just a brat from upper-middle-class suburbia who's never had to work for anything. It sounds silly, but I find that since I've graduated college, I haven't had to work hard for a lot of things.
Have I stayed in the coffee and restaurant world simply because I am afraid of putting forth the work of finding something different? Am I just staying in these types of jobs because I haven't taken the time to research what I may be able to do instead?
I may be suffering from a mild form of Peter Pan disorder because there is, admittedly, a part of me that doesn't want to buckle down and sacrifice in order to invest for my future. That childish part of me expects that I'll "get there eventually," as if it were to fall from the sky or I will "one day" find the motivation to change my circumstances.
But I also want to know where this desire to "find a better job" is coming from. It is true that I am not going to make a career out of being a barista. I would love to be able to do so many different things in life to earn a living. The problem I am facing is to choose something that will at least pay the bills and fulfill my basic needs so that I am able to do all of the things that I want to do, like learning how to decorate cakes and how to sew.
But is this desire simply based on insecurities? Am I just trying to appease my parents? Am I looking to be taken more seriously? Do I even want to be taken seriously?
The real question is, what do I want? I'm not sure I can answer that question confidently, but I do know that I want to "do the thing that makes [me] like no one else," a quote taken from the movie, "P.S. I Love You." In that movie, the character, Holly, has just turned thirty and is unhappy in her career. Her husband urges her to remember the person she was when he first met her: filled with ambition, exploring creative possibilities, and using William Blake's quote "My business is to create" as her life philosophy.
"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." -William Blake
I don't want be somebody I am not simply because I am trying to conform to a standard that may in some ways, make my life "easier," like finding a higher-paying job with benefits. But I know that at some point, I do have to face the realities of living expenses. But I do know that whatever I end up doing, I have never been one to conform and I'm not going to start now.
I have been a barista since I graduated college. I am starting to wonder, just like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail": do I do it because I love it, or because I haven't been brave?
I know what I am worth, yet my parents say that I settle for a lot less.
It scares me that in one year I will have to go out in search of my own insurance plan. What scares me more than that is that I may need to find a job where I sit all day, chained to a desk and telephone, in order to obtain a good insurance plan.
So what do I do?
Recently I have taken a cake decorating class and I plan to take more. I would like to start sewing. I would love to own my own coffee shop. I may even want to become a teacher. It's just a matter of igniting the motivation and making the decision to stop thinking and start doing.
I know that I have so many talents that are waiting to be unleashed, like a seed beneath soil that no one sees until the right ingredients bring it to sprout. It is in the continual watering of the soil with hopeful expectation that something will sprout where I feel the most stuck. I am like a novice gardener: I become so discouraged when something I've tried has shriveled up, or I keep watering and nothing ever sprouts; I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I even feel lazy, like I am just expecting that things will fall out of the sky for me. I wonder if deep down I'm really just a brat from upper-middle-class suburbia who's never had to work for anything. It sounds silly, but I find that since I've graduated college, I haven't had to work hard for a lot of things.
Have I stayed in the coffee and restaurant world simply because I am afraid of putting forth the work of finding something different? Am I just staying in these types of jobs because I haven't taken the time to research what I may be able to do instead?
I may be suffering from a mild form of Peter Pan disorder because there is, admittedly, a part of me that doesn't want to buckle down and sacrifice in order to invest for my future. That childish part of me expects that I'll "get there eventually," as if it were to fall from the sky or I will "one day" find the motivation to change my circumstances.
But I also want to know where this desire to "find a better job" is coming from. It is true that I am not going to make a career out of being a barista. I would love to be able to do so many different things in life to earn a living. The problem I am facing is to choose something that will at least pay the bills and fulfill my basic needs so that I am able to do all of the things that I want to do, like learning how to decorate cakes and how to sew.
But is this desire simply based on insecurities? Am I just trying to appease my parents? Am I looking to be taken more seriously? Do I even want to be taken seriously?
The real question is, what do I want? I'm not sure I can answer that question confidently, but I do know that I want to "do the thing that makes [me] like no one else," a quote taken from the movie, "P.S. I Love You." In that movie, the character, Holly, has just turned thirty and is unhappy in her career. Her husband urges her to remember the person she was when he first met her: filled with ambition, exploring creative possibilities, and using William Blake's quote "My business is to create" as her life philosophy.
"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." -William Blake
I don't want be somebody I am not simply because I am trying to conform to a standard that may in some ways, make my life "easier," like finding a higher-paying job with benefits. But I know that at some point, I do have to face the realities of living expenses. But I do know that whatever I end up doing, I have never been one to conform and I'm not going to start now.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Grey
Grey seems to be the theme of my little life these days.
The weather is unusually cold for this time of year and the sky is always grey. My emotions recently have also been grey. I don't feel angry, like the color red, I don't feel happy like the color yellow. I hardly feel anything. I feel grey.
Events in my life have not been exciting or joyful, but no events have been terrible or traumatizing either. Events, or, lack thereof, have been just grey.
Grey is the color that is stuck in the middle between two colors that are clearly confident in who they are. No identity crises there. Grey chooses to stay in the middle rather than take a stand. It is complacent. It is unmotivated. It is content. It is stagnant. Grey is an undecided color.
That's what I feel is going on in my life right now.
The weather is unusually cold for this time of year and the sky is always grey. My emotions recently have also been grey. I don't feel angry, like the color red, I don't feel happy like the color yellow. I hardly feel anything. I feel grey.
Events in my life have not been exciting or joyful, but no events have been terrible or traumatizing either. Events, or, lack thereof, have been just grey.
Grey is the color that is stuck in the middle between two colors that are clearly confident in who they are. No identity crises there. Grey chooses to stay in the middle rather than take a stand. It is complacent. It is unmotivated. It is content. It is stagnant. Grey is an undecided color.
That's what I feel is going on in my life right now.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
My "Calling"
I read something the other day that stirred me. I read an article that focused on finding one's "calling" and it said that especially among twenty-somethings while on their noble quest end up never staying at a job for more than a year. Well, it sure seems like the article was talking about me.
What I liked about the article was how it persuaded me not to think of my calling as something that I will one day achieve or finally discover, as if it were buried treasure. There is no right answer to this question. My calling is how I choose to live out my life in my relationships, my job, my thoughts, my attitude, and my hobbies. All of the things that make up my life are in fact, all a part of my calling. Every day I am presented with different people, opportunities, situations, triumphs, and failures and my calling is to face each one of those things walking as an obedient child of God.
Food for thought.
What I liked about the article was how it persuaded me not to think of my calling as something that I will one day achieve or finally discover, as if it were buried treasure. There is no right answer to this question. My calling is how I choose to live out my life in my relationships, my job, my thoughts, my attitude, and my hobbies. All of the things that make up my life are in fact, all a part of my calling. Every day I am presented with different people, opportunities, situations, triumphs, and failures and my calling is to face each one of those things walking as an obedient child of God.
Food for thought.
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